Most of these poems are about loves in my life. From before college and after…Dreams to love or Let go starts out sounding like, if I loose you-I can’t go on…In reality in my mind I was thinking of myself and not my love in my life.
All is lost in my life without you; I have given all I can & I can no longer stay quiet and conformed; To what was once a final destination; We never got there together”-means to commit suicide. I have been down this dark path in years past after the lose of two miscarriages and a marriage that was suffering.
However, through working through my pain, losses-I began to live again. I lived for me this time and what I would miss from my current living children. I wasn’t done yet. When I was presented with that choice.
There is a point in the darkest hemispheres in your mind that all joys and things that feel important do not fulfill you, even your children, spouse, friends, parents, life that was suppose to flourish-never happens and you are left with bitterness of life (shit of a life? so to speak)…
All your achievements haven’t been recognized, condemnation by society and those who are suppose to love you, really don’t show you and you are left feeling as if they have only use you…these dark heavy doubts cloud your reality, all those who want to keep you from your destiny withhold your goals and good deeds.
It took nearly over a year to deplete my system to a point where in fact I was killing myself, from this darkness. Unintentionally, of course but I felt like I was dieing and then the manifestation process was working through me. Having no thyroid and not taking proper control of these medications, thinking I could live without them…Wow-was I wrong!
Relationships and love I totally have never thought as being an individual in them…I felt completely immersed with no separation and therefore have driven many relationships away from over stepping proper individualism boundaries.
Through knowing how the Christ like mind works I now have better control over how I think. I’ve dealt with child suicide thoughts and have taken the road of hospitalization to assist in that recovery…Bullies from school. I have openly admitted my thoughts to finalize my destination with my spouse, parents and teachers, doctor’s… and with no reprimand.
Darkness still clouds my thoughts, it’s constantly working through them and letting go of Other people’s judgements of me that seems the most difficult for me to deal with and handle (at times). I am getting better at remembering who I serve and who really judges me “God is the one who judges me and has the final say”.
To many I seem normal-Other’s peoples thoughts “I don’t know”…Condemnation from peers has been my biggest hang-up. Oh, and I haven’t been hospitalized, but that’s NOYB who was.
Getting back to living, I recently took a class on “safeTALK” and thankfully got a Certification…they said your a natural at this..as I have walked both sides of this path. I have come out of this inspired to be alive, stay alive, and help anyone who struggles with darkness.
We are all given that choice in the last moments of “Do you want to stay or go?”…The last time I was completely by myself. No, children (being watched by my parents)…hubby at work and I drove myself to the hospital-Hum, I have driven myself to the hospital twice when both times I was near death…funny how some things work out the same for two completely different reasons..one asthma attack and the other thyroid.
Still in the stillness of your mind when you are given flash backs, before your final breath…a voice inside either sounds like you or God asks you what have you decided? Naturally, you respond with I want to stay and give your reasons why or go into unknown. Certainty in life, you know actually what you need to do to keep living, and knowing if you go you don’t get to come back-unless you know the staff is right there and you are drawn back.
So, you guess it..I decided to stay, live another day and choose rather or not I am in condemnation or living for the greater good within myself and outward…
These life experiences are here for you to know you are not alone. I have lived a diverse life, unique choices have been made. Different, special, ugly, beautiful, you make the decision from within and how you help the world is on you.
For me I am here to help today, and again tomorrow, all you need to do is reach out and request an appointment. I have written a workbook that inspired me through my own experience and can be used at any level in your life.