Confessions of a Reverend: Toxic Self-Sabotage

This has been a long term effect on a personality trait, I suppose it started as a defense mechanism beginning at puberty.

Self-Sabotage Has grown in it’s strength in the last few years that I’ve see it interfere within the religious sector, religious schooling, it has separated friends from my life and now, I see it destroying the dreams of my family structure.

It’s almost to the point that I’ve listened to other opinions so much to the point that I no longer listened to the training on my belief’s of looking for the good in all things and build from there.  Have I not been an adult enough? Have I spent more time on my “B-I-T-C-H box” than being an adult to handle situations?

Some of these inner dynamic personality traits of moving against people” as I read upon Neo-Freudian (Karen Horney) suggests.  I certainly can account more than a half a dozen occurrences that I have past more judgments on others and offered the opposite of hope prior to becoming clergy.  Before Science of Mind, this trait was well embedded into my personality and it could even stem from childhood possibly as early as age 4.  Could this be from abandonment occurrences from missing one of my primary parents?

Could there be an internal belief system that was embedded in primary schooling ages that cause me to believe, that if another person isn’t following the rules of basic laws and life structure that I made a point to condemn them?  This will take much more contemplation to decipher if it was from the school system (social) teaching me these qualities that shaped my personality or if it was nurture trait.  

A great example was a childhood best friend was nearly as idol, she was always the “good student” she had a lot of friends how she openly and accepted me (all my flaws) we were like sisters from another mother.  Her friends were more than happy to hang out with me too, which was a huge confidence builder in middle school.  She was a grade ahead of me, but it made no difference as I was more mature than most my grade level.  She took me under her wing until I moved in High School from CO to AZ.  She remained my best positive friend who wrote me on occasion or would talk on the phone after I moved.  I thought we would be best friends for life.  A change occurred when after high school she didn’t pro-sue her dreams.  I was shocked to discover this news as I always saw her to become a lawyer, a doctor or a professional violinist.  She had moved from our safe town to a larger town south where we had lived and all to find out she had married and was pregnant straight from high school.  Okay, I admit that happens a lot.  Had the two years that I had been gone from her life, had it changed her outlook on life?  A belief of thinking I was responsible in some small way.  It was an adjustment to say the least.  Further time spent with her showed a wild side with respectfully was endangerment feelings within myself about relationships.  Allowing another man to massage you naked after hot-tubbing, that isn’t your boyfriend or husband…it was sooooo against my internal beliefs.  I didn’t say anything, I didn’t tell her lover or her husband nor did I tell her that her choices scared my own morals. After the birth of her second child, I visited her again.  She was raising her children to have no control (crayons all over their bedroom walls) and paid no respect to her.  I wonder if we were not taught how to raise our own children?  It was nothing like how she was raised.  I saw depression in it’s largest form on this visit with a filthy house, bugs were quite questionable, she was on/off working and they lived very poor.  Her husband was part of the local fire department as his income wasn’t enough to raise the family all on his own.  It was very sad to see her living like this.  I shared about $300 every visit I came to buy her groceries and it became more of an expectation when I came to visit-to provide for them.  I didn’t realize at the time I was enabling as I always gave out of love for my friend. 

However, at some point she had lost gratitude in my giving and after that last visit I stopped my gift of giving.  I was only in high school and all my experiences didn’t seem to make the world of difference to her.  Our friendship ended shortly after a larger scale of immoral decisions where made as she and her husband were taking part in couples menajahtwa/swingers. I’m just as guilty, I didn’t physical participate but I was there while it was occurring as a witness; Self-sabotage began after the fact when I began to think about how wrong it was to be doing those things within the home when children were home and could have walked in on them having these encounters.  I voiced these concerns to someone of trust and the friendships had extinguished

I thought I could no longer subject myself to this type of behavior and stay quite.  She also had experience abandonment issues of a mother leaving a father.  To my amazement they have remained married and her children are off in college now.  Her relationship seems to have improved with her husband after 15 years of what seemed like misery on my outside view.  Time will only tell if she will ever forgive me for my actions.  I do wish her well.

We all have our stories, some are grim, some are complicated and some are a reflection of simply wrong actions.  We all have these in our life, sometimes we do them to make a point, to show an example of what is okay or not okay vs just setting a health boundary and if I didn’t like what I had witnessed, I should have just walked out.  All these should or could have done(s) are not valid or relevant to the current status of time.  The “Now moments”.

My self-sabotage behavior has been brought to the front of my attention as a last hope of saving my family structure.  I too have had the ups and downs in marriage, I’ve demonstrated forgiveness more times than I care to count, but what I have found most destructive in my own behavior is always “what I’m lacking”.  I have forgotten about what are my responsibilities beyond what is required.  Such as being gentle and thinking of someone else first.  (This seems hard to image as I’m always very loving and enjoy a lot of affection.)  Remember me talking about “lack”…I have forgotten to be more gentle and caring to my husband and have been only looking at everything I don’t like in his behavior towards me, vs looking for what I like and what I want to feel from him, he said he’s not feeling those from me.  So some where I stopped giving him what I give to our children freely.  I’ve gone away from being a hard-ass in disciplining our children to a “softy”.  I’m no longer that correctional officer.  Maybe, I have forgotten core values from Science of Mind as well.

Self-sabotage has steered me away from Uniting my ministry.  I enjoy rituals that are not S.O.M., but are “supposed” to be bridged with S.O.M. as a underlining principles that I do enjoy  (scientific evolution) vs the creation of only the Holy Bible teachings, among Neo-Pagon and Native American everyday way of life. With Quantum Physics, Metaphysics encompassing Science of Mind.  What religion would you call me?  This has been my contemplation for two years now.

I have shared with you a human flaw of mine today, in hopes to bridge a connection.  I look forward in reading your comments and I intend to revisit this topic again.

In gratitude,

KatieYavuz.com

 

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