Insights to my poems (near death)

Most of these poems are about loves in my life.  From before college and after…Dreams to love or Let go starts out sounding like, if I loose you-I can’t go on…In reality in my mind I was thinking of myself and not my love in my life.

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All is lost in my life without you; I have given all I can & I can no longer stay quiet and conformed; To what was once a final destination; We never got there together”-means to commit suicide.  I have been down this dark path in years past after the lose of two miscarriages and a marriage that was suffering.

 

However, through working through my pain, losses-I began to live again.  I lived for me this time and what I would miss from my current living children.  I wasn’t done yet.  When I was presented with that choice.

There is a point in the darkest hemispheres in your mind that all joys and things that feel important do not fulfill you, even your children, spouse, friends, parents, life that was suppose to flourish-never happens and you are left with bitterness of life (shit of a life? so to speak)…

All your achievements haven’t been recognized, condemnation by society and those who are suppose to love you, really don’t show you and you are left feeling as if they have only use you…these dark heavy doubts cloud your reality, all those who want to keep you from your destiny withhold your goals and good deeds.

It took nearly over a year to deplete my system to a point where in fact I was killing myself, from this darkness.  Unintentionally, of course but I felt like I was dieing and then the manifestation process was working through me.  Having no thyroid and not taking proper control of these medications, thinking I could live without them…Wow-was I wrong!

Relationships and love I totally have never thought as being an individual in them…I felt completely immersed with no separation and therefore have driven many relationships away from over stepping proper individualism boundaries.

Through knowing how the Christ like mind works I now have better control over how I think.  I’ve dealt with child suicide thoughts and have taken the road of hospitalization to assist in that recovery…Bullies from school.  I have openly admitted my thoughts to finalize my destination with my spouse, parents and teachers, doctor’s… and with no reprimand.

Darkness still clouds my thoughts, it’s constantly working through them and letting go of Other people’s judgements of me that seems the most difficult for me to deal with and handle (at times).  I am getting better at remembering who I serve and who really judges me “God is the one who judges me and has the final say”.

To many I seem normal-Other’s peoples thoughts “I don’t know”…Condemnation from peers has been my biggest hang-up.  Oh, and I haven’t been hospitalized, but that’s NOYB who was.

Getting back to living, I recently took a class on “safeTALK” and thankfully got a Certification…they said your a natural at this..as I have walked both sides of this path.  I have come out of this inspired to be alive, stay alive, and help anyone who struggles with darkness.

We are all given that choice in the last moments of “Do you want to stay or go?”…The last time I was completely by myself.  No, children (being watched by my parents)…hubby at work and I drove myself to the hospital-Hum, I have driven myself to the hospital twice when both times I was near death…funny how some things work out the same for two completely different reasons..one asthma attack and the other thyroid.

Still in the stillness of your mind when you are given flash backs, before your final breath…a voice inside either sounds like you or God asks you what have you decided?  Naturally, you respond with I want to stay and give your reasons why or go into unknown.  Certainty in life, you know actually what you need to do to keep living, and knowing if you go you don’t get to come back-unless you know the staff is right there and you are drawn back.

So, you guess it..I decided to stay, live another day and choose rather or not I am in condemnation or living for the greater good within myself and outward…

These life experiences are here for you to know you are not alone.  I have lived a diverse life, unique choices have been made.  Different, special, ugly, beautiful, you make the decision from within and how you help the world is on you.

For me I am here to help today, and again tomorrow, all you need to do is reach out and request an appointment.  I have written a workbook that inspired me through my own experience and can be used at any level in your life.

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The Beginning of who I am.

The Beginning of who I am.

I thought I would share who I am with you all…I know my writing has flaws & I overcome difficulties in life nearly daily; maybe that topic should be my next novel?

Here I am in my mid 30’s, only now to discover all that I have suppressed within doesn’t serve me!  It has served others to keep me small.  This has done nothing but extinguish self-confidence or self-esteem in a destructive manner.

Recalling the start of these feelings and thoughts allows a place for healing.  Without retracing one’s steps you or I cannot live true to our hearts soulful purpose.  With that thought in mind those suppressed experiences; emotions don’t serve our community or the world to make a better place at all!

How does one allow them-selves to be exactly who they are? How is one to open up to tell just a faction of pieces in one’s life to feel an extended connection with others (?).  No wonder there has been a large fraction of our youth to commit suicide within a short cycle of this year and of year’s pasts.  It not only happens with the youth but also with the control of adult peers.  Connected to the same circle or not, behaviors of put downs to others needs to STOP!

Some say it’s the game of competition; one that can out smart their opponents by crippling their mind.  Is that who you want to be in this life time?  Do you know one or maybe you are one of these assholes or cunts who enjoy pushing another person to a breaking point? OMG, a Reverend using such language? OMG, yes!  Taking on a role of the Higher Self with a connection to God/the Divine doesn’t mean we have lost touch with the real world.

Foul language is not part of my daily practice.  However, it does grab your attention to know I am serious and being “real with you”, does it not?

Did you know I’ve been studying for the last four years of seven being disabled with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome?  I’ve had more than my share of car accidents and from multiple asthma attacks as a child, lack of blood flow and near death has kept me on a side saddle of life…Until now!  Thank God for my love of “never giving up” and a lot of determination I have overcome several obstacles that professionals said I would never be able to do.

Being at the ass end of someone’s put downs only proves the mind control behavior of the individuals who bestows a part-time hex over another person’s soul.  It can cripple the person or just take some time to wear off.

The movement of the mind can collect these negative beliefs.  Even a person in a soulful journey, can get tripped up from any negative attention.  Depression, anxiety aches and pains, lack of focus, loss of desire to achieve a goal or dream, begin to fantasies that life would be better if they ended their life.  Why stay if nobody likes me?  Our own thought process from one or two little flare-up’s can spiral into another realm of reality for someone who is put-down or ignored on a continually basis.

What happens if you suggested a comment and then latter discover that you realized you shouldn’t have said it?  Duh, you reach out to that person and not only tell them you’re sorry, but give them a reason why you did it in the first place.  Really, it does make a difference!

My mother, bless her…she was gifted with the attitude of tell those people to go Fuck themselves!  God is the only one who judges and the only one that it should matter to you.  So, as I take a deep breath and revisit the words I have spoken to others, I know I have repented my sins and asked for forgiveness already.  As a wonderful spiritual teacher reminds me; “Who do you serve (?) God/the Divine or that other person?”

Through the power of prayer or any 12 step program of something alike, I know you too can forgive yourself of any wrongful judgments you have cast out to others and with the same reflection back to yourself.

I can help you with forgiveness prayers where to start within yourself or even with House Blessings “Unite & Reclaim Your Space” in the South Metro Denver Area, Colorado.

Become an Uplifting Reality for a cause for others.  STOP destroying other’s self-esteem! STOP office bullying even if its behinds someone else’s back.  Your words have power and intention behind them.  Even if you don’t speak it to that person, your energy tells them.  If you don’t like something about that person do the adult thing; either go direct and let them know with something positive in your notes or say NOTHING at all if you can’t say anything nice!

If you find this interesting please respond.

Thank you! Many Blessings Rev. Katie Yavuz

Certified “safeTalk” suicide alertness for everyone. March 2014

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